Divorce, because squeezing the toothpaste bottle in the middle is unforgivable.

100% of divorces start in marriage.

To be fair, in most divorces the house is split evenly. The women get the inside, the men get the outside
– Bruce ‏

One of the hardest things in the world is pretending to be surprised that a friend is getting divorced.
– Julius Sharpe ‏

The judge said, “All the money, and we’ll just shorten it to ‘alimony.’”
– Robin Williams

It’s tough. After five years of marriage, it’s difficult to lose the one with the good credit rating.
– Rich Voss

When we got divorced, all my wife was willing to give me custody of was the yard work.
– Melanie White

Divorce, n. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
– Ambrose Bierce

Divorce, n: A bugle blast that separates the combatants and makes them fight at long range.
– Ambrose Bierce

Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
– Jean Kerr

The only grounds for divorce in California are marriage.
– Cher

A friend of mine recently divorced his wife after 37 years. He said he was looking for a some-sex relationship.
– Greg Tamblyn

Our parents got divorced when we were kids, and it was kind of cool. We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won the house and the car. We were all excited. My dad got some luggage.
– Tom Arnold

Even as a kid I got no respect. When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me … and no one showed up.
– Rodney Dangerfield

It’s hard to talk to divorced men, always sensitive from the divorce. They take things the wrong way. “Nice day, don’t you think?” “I don’t want to make a commitment.” “Want half of my ice cream?” “I don’t want half of anything anymore.”
– Elayne Boosler

Half of all marriages end in divorce — and then there are the really unhappy ones.
– Joan Rivers

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed.
– Jay Leno

When it comes to divorce, absence may not make the heart grow fonder, but it sure cuts down on the gunplay.
– Eileen Courtney

I wasn’t actually divorced. I was traded.
– Tim Conway

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.
– Henny Youngman